Miscarriage. It’s something rarely talked about. Seen as taboo. Written off as not a big deal. Kept a secret by so many. Why? If we believe life starts at conception then any miscarried child is a life. So why would we not celebrate the life and mourn the death of that little one?
This started off as me just writing to put my feelings on paper. I’m definitely not a writer/blogger by any means. I did it to maybe help with the healing process after my own losses. But then I got to thinking that maybe it can help even one other person who is suffering in silence. To know they’re not alone. And that they don’t need to feel like they can’t talk about their pain.
The first one happened December 4th. I was six weeks pregnant with our third child and then I started bleeding. Stephen, my husband, was days away from graduating college and things were busy. It all seemed to go by so fast that things were kind of like a blur. I didn’t know how to feel. I knew I felt sad, but I just kept saying God had given me a peace about it, which He had. I kept looking at my two healthy children and recognizing what a blessing they are and was thankful that if it had to happen, that it happened early. I also found comfort during this time in remembering that every single life has a purpose. Even miscarried babies. No matter how old, God still has a purpose for that precious child’s life.
On January 31st, I found out I was pregnant again. We went to our “confirmation appointment,” where we heard the heart beat. I was measuring a week behind which can be completely normal, but they still wanted me to come back in two weeks. So, on March 6th, we went back. I wasn’t expecting anything to be wrong because “what are the chances of having 2 miscarriages back to back within months of each other?” When the picture came up on the screen I knew something didn’t look right. Then the doctor said, “I see some debris and an enlarged yok sac.” She had another doctor come in to confirm what she was seeing and he said something about, “no fetal pole.” I didn’t know what those terms meant, but I did know we had lost this baby as well. The one’s heartbeat we had just heard 2 weeks prior. The one I thought everything would be ok with this time around.
This time around it was much harder. Because I wasn’t expecting it. Because I had already heard the heartbeat. Because I was choosing to wait for it to pass and not knowing when or where that would be. Because I was still waking up sick every morning because of the pregnancy hormones still in my body. Because other babies were being born around me. And the hurt of knowing you won’t ever hold your baby in your arms here on earth. And even though you’re so happy for everyone else, it’s draining to walk around acting like nothing is bothering you when it hurts so bad inside.
For the first couple of days I felt in shock really, but also a little ashamed that it was happening again. Like it was somehow my fault. I felt hesitant to want to tell others the news thinking they would get tired of hearing the same thing. However, I found that each time is harder and is when you actually need people the most.
I did find comfort in talking to others that had been there before. In God’s grace, He helped me to see it from a new perspective. That miscarried babies are saved from all the heartache of this world, unlike our other children. They will always be with Jesus and will never have to endure the heartache of sin. Which means we can also have comfort that their salvation is secured while we can only pray for our children here with us on earth.
Sometimes I felt like I was just feeling sorry for myself. But God taught me that it’s ok to be sad and to mourn. It was my baby growing inside of me whose life ended too soon. So it’s ok to be sad. I know God is still good even in the midst of heartbreaking times, but I don’t have to feel ashamed to mourn the loss of my child just like we would mourn the loss of any other family member who died. However, we cannot let our grief hold us down so much so that God cannot use it for His glory. Psalm 30:5 says, “Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” He is our comforter. In 1 Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul reminds us, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” How sad would it be if we faced trials and loss and that was it? The end. Nothing more to come from it. Thank God that we can have hope and joy through Him even in the midst of suffering because we know this is not the end.
Through this journey of loss God also taught me about worry. When I chose the option of letting things happen on their own, I naturally began to worry when days and then weeks passed and nothing had happened yet. When was it going to happen? Where was it going to happen? Would I have to end up taking medicine to force it to happen? Or have surgery? What if the medicine didn’t work and I still had to have surgery? The what ifs filled me with worry and anxiety. Then I remembered God is sovereign. Which meant He was sovereign even over my situation. He allowed this to happen the way it did and when it did, and He would also allow my body to heal exactly how He wanted it to as well. And I trusted that His ways are far greater than mine and so I realized I had to let go of my control, let go of my worry and just trust that He knew what He was doing even when I didn’t. He also reminded me during this time that worry means we are not putting our trust in Him. Jesus says in scripture that we should not worry. If he takes care of the birds and flowers then He would most certainly take care of me, His daughter. I found comfort in Psalm 139:8-10, “If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.”
After more than 2 weeks of waiting, it finally happened. God in His sovereignty allowed it to happen on a day I was off work and Stephen was home. When we went back in for our checkup the following week the ultrasound showed my body had done it all on its own. Even though it was so incredibly hard (like actual labor hard) I could still see God’s grace and faithfulness in the midst of it all.
Ultimately, what gets me through all of this at the end of the day is that there is a hope I have because of Jesus. Because of the truth of the gospel I know I will see my babies again in heaven one day. I can rejoice now that we are guaranteed to be together in heaven. I also know God doesn’t allow pain in His children’s lives for no reason at all. There is a purpose for all things so that nothing is meant to be in vain. After all, Jesus is the greatest example of this. He suffered the most of anyone when He was nailed to that cross for our sin and then God turned His back on His Son because of our sin. But just like God always does for His children, He brings beauty from the ashes. Through the death of His perfect Son, He brought salvation to the whole world. It’s amazing that because of this very truth we can have hope in our heartaches.
Through this journey the Lord has taught me 3 things about Himself:
First, that He is sovereign.
He’s the only steady when the world around us is shaking. When I didn’t know how to feel, I knew that I could trust that He was in control.
Secondly, He is our comforter.
When nothing and no one else brings comfort, He does, in the sweetest of ways. I truly believe He mourns with us during times of heartache.
And lastly, He is faithful.
He is good and faithful in all of His ways to us, knowing just what we need even when we don’t understand. He promises to be with us until the very end and oh what joy that should bring us!
So whether this is to grow my trust in Him, to help another hurting mama down the road or whatever it may be, I know He is still God, who never changes and who loves us unconditionally. He wants us to find rest and joy in Him no matter our circumstances. So I’m praying a hurting mama or daddy sees this and is comforted in knowing even if you have lost a child to miscarriage that God is still in control and He wants to bring beauty and purpose from your pain. He doesn’t want you to hide it away inside and let it eat you up. Give your pain to Him and let Him use it for His glory.
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”